She is Elegance and Grace
...She is falling on her face
It's been a while, my lovely readers. I would like to say some emotional grit about needing to take time away and discover myself and have a fresh perspective about my blog, but really I just didn't have time to post, and when I did, I couldn't muster a grain of creativity because I was so worn out.
If you don't care about these photos but want an update on my life, just skip down a few paragraphs. This will be a long post.
First, I'd like to address how I got to take such beautiful majestic photos in a white gown. I'm not getting married lol.
I've always wanted to recreate my prom photos; The ones I took at graduation were before I learned how to model, and although they turned out great, they were rushed and I had always wished they were in a more elegant and intimate setting. So I called on the same photographer, who since then had switched to using film, and borrowed my sister's prom dress to try and cultivate a persona that matched the scenery here in the Okanagan. I also MADE this FLOWER CROWN!
I also wanted to get some nice photos for the summer, I live in such a beautiful place for 4 months and I wanted to take advantage of it. We are ~kind of~ the destination wedding location of Canada sooo..
My last two blog posts were StReSsEd oUt Natasha. These past four months have been the most unexpected journey that I had no desire to go on. I fought and wrestled and cried and dispaired, and in the end, I have these pictures and this post to tell you what went down. I'm kind of excited.
In my last post, I took the time to talk about how the element of Joy was so influential in the way I carried myself. It's safe to say that I lost the joy I have for the months of May, June, and most of July. I don't know if it was me, or God, but somehow I lost it. I noticed the difference clearly.
This made me realize that the joy I saw in myself was not just that I was a "happy person" or "smiled a lot," which was what I dismissed it as until now. It's actually a spiritual gift, which can be removed if God wants to teach us to depend on Him. Really weird process. It took me a while to get to this place, so I don't really know how to put it into a paragraph.
This summer was the worst summer I've had in my life. But for that reason, I think this fall will be the beginning of something new and different because of who I have become.
All the lessons and all the crap I was going through in this post in May was just level 1. I thought I was being hard-headed and stubborn because I couldn't change who I was in the midst of all the change and heartache and lack of God's presence. I couldn't buckle down and I couldn't achieve any spiritual growth in the ways that seemed most obvious. That made me even more angry at myself.
I landed a job working at a not-for-profit organization being a summer student (me!) for the Director of Business Administration (future me!) and it was completely perfect and awesome. It payed way more than I had expected. Yet I complained, I wasn't happy, my joy was still missing, and life seemed to suck still. I don't know why I couldn't get it through my head that God had blessed me with this job! I also had some problems with my relationship, which meant anxiety and exhaustion were the labels given to those days.
I was given a second job, this one completely for the money and not at all what I wanted to do with my summer. I felt like I was throwing away any hope of having a good August, with working for an average of 60+ hours a week and taking no time for myself. (or my blog) So I struck out on this endeavor with much worry and distrust of my abilities.
That's where God stepped in.
No, I wasn't able to wake up at 7am every day with a smile, and work feverishly until 10 pm every weeknight and praise Jesus at every turn. That would be insane. But what He did was give me things like this photoshoot, a process of healing with Jamie (the bae) and a reconnection with the friends I had lost. For once in my life I took an entire day to rest, be with Jesus, and leave distractions behind without an agenda. Often I go to God hoping to learn things and discern things and work things out and make decisions because I know He should be the one directing my steps. I had a long list of things I needed wisdom and direction on. I was messed up and tired. But instead of bringing those things to Him in a posture of desperate prayer and begging, I just went and sat with my Father.
And I spent time with Him. I didn't listen intently or try to silence my heartbeat. I coloured in a book and looked at the sky. I just rested.
AND WADDYA KNOW, HE TOLD ME STUFF!
I feel so dense for not believing in the sermons I've heard about just needing to lay everything aside and spend time with Jesus. Like yes, I've done that before. I've definitely had my devotions before. But they've been silent and awkward and I'm saying this now because it's been years and years of being a dry, useless Christian with nothing but faith to go on.
But now, I have met with Jesus. He was waiting and waiting for this stubborn and independent woman to just be held and not worry. I honestly have never had a faith so real; this goes beyond the dozens of youth conferences and corporate prayers and Bible camps that I've attended.
It's the Good Stuff.
This school year will be mayhem, and I am totally short on funds. Nothing is going according to plan. But it doesn't matter anymore; God has shown me what it's like to be living and breathing in step with Him, and I am so incredibly blessed by that. I felt my joy come back, which was weird but completely noticeable.
And all the crap I went through to get to this point wasn't to teach me how to appreciate my job or how to be chill about having less money (even though those things are important and I should defs learn those lessons) It was just to get me to a place where God could show me His presence and His spirit. That's all I've ever wanted anyway, was an opening to the divine.
Didn't Iryna do a fantastic job on these photos????? yaasss
|//Dress: sister's prom//Shoes: Payless Shoes//Flower Crown: I MADE IT :) //|
This song is totally applicable and I screamed it in the car many times this summer. I hope wherever you are this month, you can take the time to examine where you get your joy from, and if it's working. It's easy to get caught up in the things right in front of you, and forget about the divine. Please, dear readers, pay attention.
Thanks for reading. I'll be back to normal blog posts soon.